Beauty

During Sunday school this morning, I noticed something that perhaps was a bit off-task for me to really be thinking about and yet, it was where God seemed to guide my thinking. I was new to this particular study, having joined at the seventh week due to a number of absences from church for the past several months and having just seen the flyer last week, but I was encouraged to join and given a copy of the book the other ladies had been going through about being vessels of God. I felt a bit out of place and uncomfortable surrounded by a group of women who had been attending the study for the past seven weeks and yet, they were welcoming.

The thing which struck me about each and every one of these women, and perhaps here I was a bit off-task in my thinking, was that they had taken the time to make sure that they looked good. They had done their hair. Some had coifed their hair, and others wore simple braids. They wore dresses or nice slacks and lovely blouses. Each one had taken the time to look good. I had not.

Lately, that has been the case for me in every aspect of my life; I do not take the time to look good whether it be at work, at home, running errands, or going to church. I get up, shower and dress and do not give a backward glance to the mirror save to comb my hair into place. I’ve even gone so far as to choose a haircut which allows for my hair to air dry rather nicely so that I do not need to put any effort into it on a daily basis other than perhaps to pat it down or tuck it behind my ears.

I didn’t used to be this way. I used to put on makeup daily, take time to do my hair by curling it and styling it, and make sure that my outfit matched (at least to my sensibility of matching which allows for some variance thereof). I gained weight and, while I used to exercise, I don’t anymore.

I used to take, at least some, pride in what I looked like to the rest of the world and tried to look good. Now, I don’t, and I haven’t for a long while. I’ve bought into the lie that it doesn’t matter what I look like because, no matter what I do, I won’t be able to look good. I’m fat and that is what has defined me for a long time now.

I’m not sure when or even why this change in outlook took place. When was the first time I got out of bed and thought to myself that I needn’t bother? What was the impetus behind this shift from caring to not caring at all? How did I go from applying makeup daily to merely washing my face? Was it a gradual descent or an abrupt transition from taking care of my body to letting it go completely?

Not only have I neglected to take care of my outward appearance, but I have also neglected the inward workings as well. That too happened just as gradually. My quiet times with God waned and my commitment to attending worship services diminished. I’ve lost the desire and ability to fellowship and have contended with guilt and sin for quite a while on my own. I find myself in a seemingly endless rut with no idea of how I’ll be able to get out of it.

My life, inside and out, has become lackluster and I lack the inner confidence necessary to combat this unhappy state of being. Did it start with letting go of the physical and traverse into the spiritual? Is there some truth to the idea that making oneself look good on the outside will aid in helping one to feel good about themself on the inside?

The Bible passage which brought on all of this contemplation? I wonder if anyone would be able to guess.

It is first Peter, chapter three, verses three through four:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

It almost seems to be suggesting the opposite of what I felt God was communicating to me today, and yet I feel as though there is something parallel to what I am beginning to understand through God’s gentle guidance and longsuffering forbearance of a great deal many years. God loves me and provides for me and, though I am not supposed to think only of making myself look good on the outside alone, to the detriment of my soul, it is not something to be neglected in its entirety. He is not telling me that I should not care about what I look like, but rather that my true beauty should not be measured by that alone.

I needn’t neglect putting my best face forward or taking care of the body God has given me. Were I to do that, I would be misunderstanding His word completely and allowing a lie (that I am not worthy and am unlovable – a constant struggle for me since I was a young child) dictate how I conduct my life. God has not asked me to go out into the world looking dowdy or as though I’ve just stepped out of a wind tunnel. As a matter-of-fact, I believe that He would rather that I do something to take care of that which He has given me, a body that He delights in.

Where do I go from here? Do I get up early tomorrow morning so that I have time to apply makeup and fashion my hair? Or do I start working on what I’ve been neglecting on the inside and seek God afresh, asking His forgiveness for my long absence and cool avoidance? Or perhaps I simply work on a little of both?

I did not get into this deplorable state in a single day; it was an evolution which took time and I suppose that, as many people have said time and time again, change like this cannot take place over night. God revealed this to me now, today, surely He will guide me in the rest as I look to and wait upon Him.